You're my little dorito
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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