Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
