so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
