a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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