i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
