She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
