i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
