I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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