Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
