there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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