Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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