dude i'm inner monologue high
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize