If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
