my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
