I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
