Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
