Can i not drive my cunt home
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
