i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
