I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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