I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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