I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
