I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
