I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
