We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
