I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
