he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
