Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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