Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
