I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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