Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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