just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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