i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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