Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
