I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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