I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
