My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
