I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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