4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
