From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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