My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
