Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
