She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
