I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize