I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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