If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
