Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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