btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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