Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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