i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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