is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize