I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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