I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
