and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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