STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
