The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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