So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
