i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize