yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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