nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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