george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize