You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
