Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
