Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
