If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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