remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize