just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's never too late to be topless.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
