I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize